The EVIL FANFIC!
by Freddy the Magical Elf
Summary: Stupid crap. Lots and lots of stupid crap. And boobies.
1. Dahhhh...

Cloud Strife looked out over the vistas of Midgar. How peaceful it was   
now that the ShinRa had been destroyed. He smiled grimly as he   
remembered the great, funneling Mako storms...Sephiroth's dying   
scream...the triumph of good over evil...and most fondly in his   
heart, the way Tifa's gigantic breasts jiggled like water balloons   
filled with pudding whenever she moved.  
"Mmm...Cloud like boobies!" he declared heroically to the   
sweeping grasslands.  
"tee hee! Duh!~" came a shrieking, irritating voice from   
beyond the grave. Cloud turned around to see...nobody.  
"Duh, that strange." Cloud muttered, and turned back around.   
He stood that way for another ten minutes before someone screamed,   
'HEY!!! BLONDIE!!!"  
  
"Huh?" Cloud turned again.   
"GET BACK HERE!!! WE'RE NOT FINISHED!!!"   
"Uh oh, that not good!"  
Cloud ran down a giant hill away from Midgar, and towards the yelling.   
"Faster!" Cloud exclaimed. He took a giant leap and started tumbling   
down the hill. Faster and faster Cloud went, losing more and more   
brain cells every time his head hit the ground. "OW! Make ground stop   
moving!" he couldn't stop rolling. Soon he reached the bottom.   
Battered and bruised, Cloud stood up and realized the yelling was   
coming from the other direction. "DOH!" he yelled as his voice echoed   
loudly.  
  
Yuffie threw a pair of sparkly boxer shorts down and him and, shaking   
her first, screamed, "You jerk! NOW how am I supposed to rescue   
Princess Toadstool?"  
"Duh, Cloud thought we having sex!"  
"Well, Yuffie thought Cloud was a nudist, but she didn't run   
away from the GAME!!!" The "ninja" screamed, and ran off, presumably   
to piss off Cid and Barret.  
"Duh, me no has booty!" Cloud said, sulking cutely.  
"Ooooh, you are so CUTE!" Sephiroth squealed as he rose   
conveniently out of the ground. He pinched Cloud's little nose.   
'Kawaaaaaaaaaaiiiiii!!!!"  
  
Haha!" Barret laughed at Cloud.  
"Hey, wasn't Yuffie supposed to be bugging you?" Sephiroth   
asked.   
"You kiddin' ?! I don't take none of that from no little ninja   
wanna-be girl that-"  
"BAAAAAARREEEET!!!!" Yuffie screamed at the top of her lungs.   
"SHI'IT! Later!" Barret ran off flailing his arms wildly from   
side to side like he usually does. Yuffie came running down the hill   
at top speed.   
"Heeeee I'm gonna catch ya Mr. Barret!" Barret was desperately   
trying to get away, but the fact that he could only run at a measly   
1.5 mph was his downfall.  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" Yuffie leapt at Barret...  
  
  
Barret screamed like a little girl and ran away, Yuffie   
jumping up in the air and clinging to his head like a barnacle.   
"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here!" Sephiroth said.  
Selphie ran up wearing Irvine's clothes. "Hey hey!"  
"You can't say 'hey hey', only Palmer can say that!" Cloud said.  
"Screw you, Mr. Chocobo Head!" Selphie shrieked, stomping on   
Cloud's foot. Cloud yelped and started jumping around. Sephiroth sat   
down with a big bowl of popcorn and laughed his pretty ass off.  
  
"HEY HEY HEY!" Came a voice from beyond the hills.   
"Who the hell is that?"   
"Dunno"   
"HEY HEY HEY!!!!"   
"oh god, it's getting closer!"   
just then a round, fat head popped up above the hill.  
"HEY HEY HEY!!!"   
"Who the hell are you?" Barret asked.  
"Why I'm Palmer's brother, Remlap!"   
"OH DEAR GOD!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!" yelled Cid.   
"Did you say Palmer? Hey! I used to know one of them Uhh...bad guys   
named Palmer!...is you bad?"   
"Careful Cloud, don't get hurt there." Sephiroth taunted.   
"No, I'm just here looking for some hot chicks."   
"OH! WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO??" Barret said sarcastically. "WE'RE   
OVERFLOWING WITH HOT GIRLS HERE!"   
"HEY! SHUT UP!" yelled Yuffie.   
"So uh, where can I find some girls huh huh?"   
  
Sephiroth grinned most evilly. "I know a BEAUTIFUL girl! She   
has long, flowing, purple, scaly tentacles, and is actually half-male,   
and looks like a giant chickpea in her most powerful form!"  
"OOOOH! OOOOH!" Remlap said, bouncing back and forth in an   
amazingly lithe show of contortionisms. "WHAT'S HER NAME?"  
"Tifa?" asked Cloud.  
"ASSHOLE!" Tifa shot Cloud in the head with a loaded G-String.   
"That's the last time I ever let YOU videotape me in the shower!"  
"Eeeeeeeeew!" said Sephiroth, and threw some popcorn at Tifa.   
She screamed and ran away.  
"Girls are stupid, tee hee!" Cloud exclaimed.  
"Yeah, girls suck!" Remlap yelled.  
"Damn stupid bitches can't even make tea right!" Cid said.   
"Plus, I never got a date for the Junior Prom!"  
"Let's get some strawberry ice cream and do MAKEOVERS!"   
Sephiroth suggested. All four men shrieked "GOODY GOODY!" and ran off   
to find their sleeping bags, nail polish, and lacy pale pink nightgowns.  
Suddenly, they ran into the greatest terror known to man. A   
horrible, evil-minded creature named....  
  
PIKACHU  
"PIKA PIKA!"   
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
Everyone screamed as loud as they could, and started to run. Then   
SNORLAX landed in front of their path.   
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
Soon, Pokemon blocked every direction! "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO??" Barret   
asked.  
"uh uh....Cloud have idea!"   
"STOP JOKING AROUND CLOUD!, THIS IS SERIOUS!" Sephiroth yelled.   
Quickly, Sephiroth unsheathed his Masamune. Faster than   
anyone could follow, Sephiroth QUICKLY chopped up all the Pokemon into   
bite sized pieces.   
"I WAS GONNA DO THAT!" Barret yelled. Everyone laughed as they ate   
their pikastew and pokechew.   
::Will our Hero's find the girls their looking for, or will their   
path be confronted by the evil ________????" FIND OUT IN THE NEXT   
EPISODE! where cloud will take off his pants!::   
  
"Well, you heard the man! Take off your pants!" Sephiroth   
scolded the blond man as he scraped up the last of his PikaStew with a   
PikaRoll.  
"Duh, okay!" Cloud took off his pants. Under them, he was   
wearing cute little bikini briefs with hearts on them. Awww!!!!!!!  
"Well, great, now all dem beetches is gonna be scared away!"   
Barret yelled.  
"Naw, you know how many fangirls there are for Cloud?"   
Sephiroth asked, wiping his mouth.  
"Well, in that case, you fruit, why ain't ya stripping, too?"   
Cid asked disgruntledly. " 'Least Barret 'n Remlap 'n I gots reasons."  
"Polygons." Sephiroth said calmly, and pointed.  
"Oh...dear." said Remlap.  
"Man! that is ODD!" Cid yelped in fear.  
Barret choked on his PikaBurrito.  
"PUT 'EM BACK ON!!!" Everyone yelled.  
Cloud, sulking, pulled his stupid purple pants back on. "No   
more breeziness!" he sulked.  
Suddenly, Selphie ran into wherever the hell they were and   
screamed--  
  
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Selphie started a chain reaction of screams   
starting with Cloud, "AUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" next to Tifa   
"AHHHHHHHHH!!" and then to Barret,   
"AAAAAAAAAAAshi'itAAAAAAAHHHHHfooHHHHHH!!!!!"  
"What is it NOW?!" Sephiroth queried angrily.  
"IT'S THEM!" Selphie yelled  
"it's who?" Sephiroth asked.  
"NO! it's them!"  
"Who is them?"  
"No he isn't!"  
"Who isn't them?"  
"RIGHT! NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT!"  
"mmhmm, interesting.........." Sephiroth started to draw his   
Masamune once again...  
"HEY! Their ain't gonna be none a dat up in here!" Barret   
flashed some gang signs and all was at peace once again. "We have to   
pay attention to Selphie! Now...what's goin 'on here?"  
In a flash, the whole area was covered with bright blinding   
whiteness. "WHAT THA!" Everyone was dazed and didn't know what the   
hell was going on.  
  



	2. Tee hee...

"HI, MR. PRETTY SEPHIROTH AND MR. PRETTY CLOUD AND MR. PRETTY CID!"   
Callie screamed as she attacked all three men.  
"CALLIE!" Sephiroth screamed back. "HI!!!!!"  
"Duh, hi Callie!" Cloud said.  
"What the &*^&*(^&^**&??????????" asked Cid.  
Meanwhile, Matt was clinging to Barret's leg.  
"Let go, kid."  
"No!"  
"Let GO!"  
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
"Dammit, you got cheddar all over my shorts!"  
"Ooooh, that doesn't sound good." said Selphie from the middle   
of the Cid/Callie/Cloud/Sephiroth pileup.  
Irvine walked over to them. 'MAH NAME IS KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII  
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII  
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII  
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII  
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII  
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII  
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII  
IIIII--"  
Laguna kicked Irvine in the head.  
  
"Hey...how come no one said hi to me?" Matt questioned the whole group.   
"uh, for one, you got cheese all over mah shorts!" Barret explained.   
"Number TWO, NO ONE LOVES YOU!!!!, and number THREE, your MATT!"  
"Oh...ok, well that explains it." Matt walked away slowly,   
never to be seen again by the bunch until the next time he's seen.  
"Anyways, uh, what's the point of this?" Sephiroth asked.  
"Point of what?" Selphie asked him  
"Us being here...doing nothing at all."  
"Are you kiiiiiddiiiiiiing?!" Callie said. "OBVIOUSLY we're   
here to salivate over hot guys that wield big swords and are hot!...or   
wait, I think that's just me."  
"mmhmm..."  
"So what happens next?" Cid asked.   
"I don't know, why don't we wait for the writers of this piece of crap   
FANFIC to make it good." Remlap said.  
"UHH...I gotta go....like...do somethin'..." Callie said.   
She ran off into the distance, jumping and screaming and yelling.   
"Duh, uh, so um uh well uhhh ahem uhhhhhhhh um er."   
"Nicely put, Cloud"  
"heeheehee duh"  
  
"Wait a minute!" said Tifa suddenly. "This is a fanfic, and   
nobody's tried to resurrect Aeris yet! What's wrong with you people?"  
"You're right!" Cid said, astonished. "Cloud, quick! Get   
Sephiroth into the Lifestream and use your subconscious desire for   
Aeris, your lost love, to bring them both back to life in a tale of   
madcap romance and dramatic fighting!"  
Everyone stared at Cid.  
"Okay, I've been smoking weed again. The point is, we're going to   
run out of vowels soon if the Yankees don't bring us nachos!" Cid said.  
Everyone kept staring.  
"What?"  
"You've got, um, something white and gooey on your face." Sephiroth   
replied uneasily.  
"Oh, yeah" Cid wiped at his ugly mug. "I had mayonnaise and rubber   
cement for lunch. Pretty good on cinnamon toast, actually."  
"I did not hear that" announced Yuffie.  
Suddenly, the Turks appeared on the horizon.  
"Ooh, look" Barret said in a bored tone. 'Them lousy ^^&^ing Turks   
have appeared on yonder horizon. We is gonna smack deir punky white   
bitch asses in."  
"Uhhh...me hero. Me big and strong." Cloud said, sounding even   
duller.  
"Screw you, Mr. T!" Reno yelled.   
"RENO!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!" yelled Yuffie all of a sudden. She   
jumped into the red-haired man's arms and kissed him fully on the lips.  
"STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN, YOU BITCH!!!!!" Tseng yelled back at her,   
smashing her on the head with a convenient rock.  
"OH, TSENG, YOU'RE SO STRONG AND MANLY!!!" screamed Elena, glomping   
Tseng, who turned bright purple.  
"WHY ARE WE ALL YELLING?" shrieked Reno at the top of his lungs.  
"..." said Rude.  
"I LOVE YOU!!!!" Laguna screamed at Irvine.   
Irvine turned bright pink and, simpering, cooed, "Why, Laguny-poo! I   
never knew you cared!"  
"Tee hee. Duh!" said several people for no apparent reason.  
"I'm still the sexy one!" Sephiroth announced for no reason at all.   
Cloud started crying.  
"OOooooOOoOOHHH....yellow birdies..." said Yuffie, dazed.  
  
"Uh FOO! What da ^*&# is goin' on here?!" Barret said puzzled.   
"Thems is all going nuts!"  
"Yeaaahhh, but whattaya gonna do." Matt said  
"Hey! I thought I told you to go away!"   
"no, uhhhh.....that was Remlap"  
"OH! You #$%#^ *&$567 45&$^&$!!!! I'm gonna Beat ya Senseless!"   
Barret started to chase after Remlap.   
"OH MAN! THIS IS CHAOS!" Cid yelled.   
All of a sudden......bill gates showed up in the middle of   
it all. "HEY ALL YOU UM PEOPLE! STOP FIGHTING!"   
"Get him!!!!!" Barret yelled. Everyone including Sam who no   
one has introduced yet rushed toward Bill Gates.   
"AHHHHHHHHHH!!! THERE WONT BE AN X BOX IF IM DEAD!!!!"   
"EXACTLY!!!" Matt thought to himself. My plans will be complete   
once we assassinate the head guy from Sega, and Nintendo.   
"MWAHAHHAHAHAHAH"  
  
Callie reappeared. 'HEY, Y'ALL!"  
"HEY, CALLIE!" everyone yelled back, then went back to rushing Bill   
Gates. Barret stomped on him and Cloud chopped him up and Sephiroth   
skewered him and Cid clubbed him with his spear and Selphie beat him   
with nunchuks and Irvine shot him even more and so did Laguna and   
Squall put him down with nasty glares and Yuffie threw origami at him   
and Matt dumped Velveeta on his head and Callie kicked him really hard   
in the crotch and the Turks stuck nightsticks where the sun don't shine.  
"He's going to feel that in the morning." said Sephiroth obliquely.  
"Wow, what a pretty shade of red!" Callie said, affixing herself   
to Sephiroth, who looked scared.  
Cloud drooled.  
  
"OKAY OKAY EVERYBODY!" Boomed a loud echoing voice from high above.   
"THIS FANFIC IS GOING TO GO SOMEWHERE! BECAUSE RIGHT NOW...IT IS GOING   
NOWHERE!"  
"Who da hell is dat foo?" Barret wondered.  
"WHO CARES! HE'S GONNA MAKE THIS FANFIC MOVE! PRAISE THE LORD!"   
Selphie jumped around and prepared for the Fanfic to start making sense,   
as did everyone else.  
.  
....  
........  
.............  
Nothing happened.  
"WELL ILL BE A CHEESEMONKEY NAMED PROVOLONE'S UNCLE!" Matt yelled.   
Barret was pretty pissed too, and we all know how Barret talks when   
he's pissed. And if you don't, you're about to find out...  
"WHAT THE (*))&(^% IS GOIN' ON HERE WITH THIS *%%*^%?! I WANTED SOME   
MOTHER ^*(^#$^ SATI'FACKSHUN SONOFA %(*#$ PIECE OF &*%*(% &(^*&^   
%^#$ )(*&&* %#!!!!!!!"  
"Calm down Barret." Tifa tried to reason with him. "We have to   
find out who that is up there, and THEN get mad at him for not moving   
this stupid Fanfic along!"  
"HEY! WATCH WHAT YOU SAY ABOut the uh fanfic" Matt lowered his   
voice some, as not to incriminate himself too much.   
"What do YOU care about the Fanfic, HUH?" Tifa asked.  
"It's just uh...I think whoever's doing it is doing a pretty good   
job if you ask me!!"   
"Weell no one asked ya, kid!"  
"Uhhh...Barret...if you call me kid one more time, just ONE   
MORE, IM GOING TO SHOVE THAT GUN ARM SO FAR UP YOUR /\55 THAT YOU WILL   
BE ABLE TO SHOOT OUT YOUR MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU OVERSIZED CHICKEN   
SKINNED FLATASS HAIRCUTTED BIG MOUTHED ^%&&^$&^%*&^%(*&^(*&^%*^%$^%#@^  
%(*&^(*&%&$!!!!!!!!!"   
Barret sat down and whimpered in the corner like a scared puppy.  
"HAHA!" Sephiroth laughed at Barret.   
Just then...  
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY   
EVEEEEEWYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
  
Everyone looked at Callie. She shrugged. 'It wasn't me!"  
Everyone looked at Selphie. She shrugged. "It wasn't me!"  
Everyone looked at Jenova. Jenova shrugged. "I'm dead."  
"MOMMY!" Sephiroth yelled, running towards Jenova. Callie made   
a disgusted face and started kissing Cloud. Cloud didn't notice.  
"It's...SAM!" Laguna said wonderingly.  
Sam didn't say anything. because Sam was a hypothetical character.  
Tifa said, "I hate this! This sucks!"  
Suddenly, Tifa was wearing nothing but a chainmail bra and a   
pair of latex undies. "WHAT THE FUCK?"  
"Duh, boobies!" said several unidentified males, who then   
tried to look as if someone else had said it.  
Vincent appeared. "Hey, have you seen my Brillo pads?"  
"No!" Barret yelled, cheerfully assaulting Matt with a   
mozzarella stick. Matt was in a painful-looking ecstasy.  
Suddenly, there was a mysterious green glow. Inside the   
mysterious green glow was a mysterious brown-haired girl in a   
mysterious pink dress.  
"Well, this is &%&*ing mysterious." said Cid.  
"EW!!! IT'S AERIS!!!" Callie screamed. She started crying and   
ran over to Sephiroth and buried her face in his pretty pretty pretty   
silvery hair. Sephiroth was halfway between leering and running.   
Jenova just kinda floated.  
"Oh, CLOUD!" said Aeris.  
"Duh, Aeris no kinky! Cloud likey kinky!"  



	3. Moooooooooooo!

  
"HEY! I can be kinky!! Just you wait until l change into my RuPaul   
outfit!!" Aeris defended. "And what the hell has happened to you   
Cloud?! Why are you so stupid?"  
"Duh, uh, Cloud know how to think!"   
"Ok ok, that's enough, time for your medicine Cloud." Callie insisted.  
"Ok, family meeting!!" Tifa yelled. "NOT YOU REMLAP! Get out   
of here!"   
"Aww, come on! I don't have a family now! *sad music* I'm all alone in   
this big wide world with no real fam-"  
"Anyways, WHAT DO U GUYS THINK ABOUT AERIS BEING HERE?!" Tifa   
questioned.  
"I pity da fooet!" Barret taunted.  
"Ooohhh...I can just TASTE all that energy surging around-"   
Sephiroth was cut off by Cloud.  
"Me think for long time, and have idea. Aeris duh um."  
"Does she taste like cheese? Cuz I could eat her if no one wants   
her." Matt said hungrily.  
"It'sa me...Mario!" Said Mario.  
There was a loooooong silence. Everyone was just staring at Mario.   
Their glares alone could have turned Mario into one of them Italian   
pizza pocket salads. Mario started to walk backwards...slowly   
retreating from the intent stares laid upon him. After about an hour,   
Mario was out of sight over a hill.  
More silence...  
"K...the writer of this fanfic is dead as soon as I find out who   
it is." Cid said still shocked.  
"Duh um, Cloud let no Mario get away! Cloud smash gnome called   
Mario!"  
Cloud summoned Knights of the Round. Off over the hill that Mario   
retreated to, pizza was splattering everywhere. "Duh huh! That   
probably hurt fat red guy!"  
just then, a spikey blue ball of light zoomed pasted everyone and   
grounded upon a high hill.   
"NOW WHAT?!" Barret yelled.   
  
"I am Sailor Chibimoon! Tsuki to Crystal Tokyo ni kawatte,   
OSHIOKIYO!" said the pink-haired little girl, posing.  
Matt shrieked.  
Callie, quick as ever, yelled, "HEY! MAAAAAAATT!!! YOU KILLED   
MARIO!!!"  
"Tee hee duh!" said Aeris, Yuffie, Tifa, and Selphie.  
"And I don't want Aer-head here! She's ruining my chances of   
doing exceedingly naughty things to Cloud!" Callie added.  
"Same here!" Tifa, Yuffie, Matt, and Sephiroth all said.  
"Eeeeeeeeew." said Irvine. "I did NOT want to know that."  
"Ummm...I don't like you!" yelled Cid.  
Aeris started to cry. She cried and cried and cried. It was   
very sad. For her. Then Chibiusa started crying. It was even sadder.   
For everyone.  
Sephiroth calmly picked them up and threw them into the core   
of a Mako reactor. "Go ahead, everyone cry a whole lot."  
"Naw, we really don't care." said Barret. "Damn ho never did   
nuffin' but whine n' talk ta plants."  
"But that's all Callie ever does!" said Sephiroth. Callie   
smacked him over the head. "BAKA!"  
"Owww!!! Don't fuck up my hair!" Sepphy-buns whined.  
Callie muttered something obscene that won't be printed here.   
Suffice it to say that Sephiroth looked scared afterwards.  
"OH, WOW!" screamed Vincent in rapture. "LOOK AT THESE BUNS!"  
"Where? WHERE AM BUNS?" asked Cloud, whipping his head from   
side to side.  
"In my...*grmph*...pocket! *Glumph* Mmmm...chocolate chip..."   
Vincent said, gulping down half a scone in contentment.  
"Durn." said Cloud.  
"HEY HEY HEY! Since when is Cloud a pervert?" asked Remlap.  
Matt snickered.  
"Stop snickering!" said Yuffie  
Matt chortled.  
"STOOOOOOOOOOP!"  
Matt giggled.  
"Okay, now it's just plain DISTURBING."  
  
All of a sudden, the whole group appeared in a dry, hot, vast desert   
with nothing around for miles.   
"Where are we????" Barret asked.  
"Duh uh...me think we in my head." Said Cloud.  
"YUeah! That would explain there being NOTHING around for years! I   
mean uh, miles!" Matt thought.  
"Uhhh foo..." Barret started..."y'all made a typo, Matt!"   
"Oh, excuse me."  
"HOW ARE WE GOING TO DEFEAT THIS X-BOX?!?!" asked Selphie  
"NOT TO FEAR!!!!!" Matt yelled. "WATCH!"   
"HEY X-BOX! OVER HERE!" Matt challenged the x-box personally.  
"AH! Its too powerful for me!" Matt yelled after repeated attempts   
to unplug its power cord.  
"I WILL KILL YOU ALL!!!! STARTING WITH MY MORTAL ENEMY MATT!"  
Just then, a black and blue gaming system flew by the crew and entered   
the X-box. What is this SUPERSYSTEM?! AND WHAT ARE ITS INTENTIONS?!?!   
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON....DRAGON BALL Z!!!! I mean uh, DIGIMON!!! or uh   
THIS INSANE FANFIC!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!  
  
"Digimon?" asked Callie. "YAY! Matt!"  
"What?"  
"No, not you, numbnuts! On the SHOW, on the show!"  
"Oh, look" said several random people blandly. "It is a   
PlayStation 2."  
"And there was much rejoicing." said Sephiroth dryly.  
"Yay." added Callie.  
"OOOH OHHH YOU GUYS I FOUND A PRETTY CACTUS IT'S A CACTUS AND   
IT'S SOOOOOOOOOOO PRETTY!!!!!!!!!!" Selphie shrieked.  
"Hey, we just got a plotline here, Selphie!' scolded Irvine. "'Don't   
louse it up!"  
"Sorry."  
And the great and mighty and wonderful PlayStation2 faced them and   
said, "Woe art thou that hast ventured here, for thou art going to get   
really really thirsty." And they were much afraid. And then Cloud   
remembered something.  
"Duh...which clone am I?"  
::SO! What does the PS2 have to do with anything? How did they get into   
the desert? And which clone IS Cloud?::  
  
THE PS2 JUMPED INTO THE AIR AND DID A BACKFLIP! YAY! "I am the   
real Cloud!"  
"NO YOU'RE NOT! I AM!"   
"no me"   
"no me"   
"no me me me"   
"ok you"   
"no you"  
"ENUF!!!!!!!!!!!! yelled Sephiroth "why are we in the desert??"   
"because Clouds stupid! why couldn't he work at McDonalds! at least we   
would get to eat!" Cid yelled  
"ENOUGH! SILENCE ALL OF YOU! YOU WILL ALL DIE FOR YOUR TREACHERY!"   
"Oh...our pasts, he knows..."  
  
Callie gasped. "What pasts?"  
Sephiroth rolled his eyes and began reciting. "I am Alpha and Omega-"  
"You baka! That's from Xenogears!"  
"Okay...ummm...Command to the Empire in particular?"  
"FF6!"  
Sephiroth sulked. 'Well, FF7 doesn't HAVE any especially quotable   
moments. Except for anything I say, of course."  
"We're not a clone...BARRET is the clone!" Cloud said, and pointed.  
"Probably." agreed the PS2.  
Then Selphie, in her endless mission to undermine the plotline,   
announced, 'MY LIP SMACKERS TASTE LIKE WATERMELON!"  
  
"WOW! MINE TASTES LIKE FIRECRACKERS!" Matt said excitedly.   
Everyone looked at him.  
"WHAT?! Stop looking at me! Come on guys!"  
"Anyways," Callie interrupted, "What's this about Barret being a   
drone?"  
"Uh, that's CLONE Callie...and I STILL think Cloud is the clone."   
Cid mentioned.  
"Hey! Cloud is are am was were no clone!"   
"Yeah!" Said the Clouds.  
Selphie leaned over close to Sephiroth and whispered in his ear.   
"Uh, how come no one questioned why the PS2 can talk?"   
"I don't know. Don't worry about it though, we'll assassinate   
it when it starts to get TOO annoying." Sephiroth responded.  
"Duh huh huh! You said ass times double! Huh huh!"  
"Okay...TRIPLE dose of medicine this time Cloudy!" Callie yelled.  
"HEY! LOOK OVER THERE!" Remlap pointed. In the distance were 3   
very beautiful girls. One was a fairy, one was a lifeguard, and one   
was a McDonalds employee riding a llama.  
"OVER HERE!" Remlap yelled"  
  
/ Oh, no! \ Callie thought. How could any man resist a woman riding a   
llama? Or a fairy chick? Or a lifeguard? Quickly, she thought of   
something. 'HEY! EVERYONE, THOSE GIRLS AREN'T REAL!"  
"They're not?" asked Remlap in disappointment.  
"Phew!" said Tifa, Yuffie, Elena, and Selphie.  
"No, uhhh...they're constructs! By the ShinRa!" Callie yelped.   
"Yeah! That's it!"  
"Liar!" said Matt.  
"No, she's right. Those are robotic blow-up dolls Rufus had   
Hojo make for him for his twenty-first birthday." said Sephiroth.   
"Pervert."  
"Duhh, boobies no real?" asked Cloud sadly.  
"Nope!"  
"DAMN!" every man yelled.  
"ANYWAYS!" said Tifa very loudly. "I AM STILL PRETTIER."  
"No, Aeris is prettier than you." said Vincent. The other FF7 guys   
nodded.  
Tifa glared. "That's it! I'm going! And when I come back,   
you'll think I'm so sexy...that...that..."  
  
"That's nice." Sephiroth finished her sentence. "Soo...what   
happens now?"  
"I don't know, let's ask scooby doo.  
"RHI UUNNNOOOOO!!!!"  
"I think he means he doesn't know"  
"RHAAAT?"  
"Uh, he's getting annoying now."  
"RHO RHYM RHOT!"  
"Uh yeah, you are" Barret responded.  
"RHAT RHA RUCK?! RHI RHAM RHOT RHORHOYING RHU RHUPID RHAGGOT   
RHEAKIN RHONOFA RHITCH! RHAT RHA RUCK RHU RHINK RHI RHAM, RHUM RHIND   
RHUF RA RHANIMAL RHOR RHA RHOG RHOR RHOMETHING! RHI RHAM RHOOBY RHOO   
RHITCH!!!!"  
"Ok...THAT'S IT...I'm taking Scooby out of here as soon as I can   
erase when no one is watching" Matt said.  
"RHU RHA RHIGHT RHERYRHING RHU RHA RHEI RHOFLE RHAP RHUP RHWINK   
RHHUMP RHUP RHU RHA RHE!!!"  
All of a sudden, scooby doo was gone. Callie saw Matt erase the   
Scooby, but no one else did.   
"So uh, now that I'm done thinking of what to do now, I think   
I'll think some more!" Sephiroth said.  
"Yeah. I WANT BOOBIES!" Cloud protested.  
"my hair smells like fish gills" Remlap pointed out.  
-=BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM booM BOOM=-  
"what was that?!?!|" everyone asked.  
  
"'S'cuse me! I farted!" said Remlap.  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW." everyone said.  
Then the booming started again. Callie climbed up Sephiroth   
and stood on his head so she could see better.  
"HEY, YOU GUYS! SCARLET BUILT ANOTHER MECHA!" she screamed.  
(And there was much rejoicing. Yay.)  
Everyone ran towards the mecha. It was huge and large and big a  
nd gigantic and humongous and really really not small. It was also blue.  
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAA!!!" said Scarlet.  
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAA!!!!" said Heidegger.  
"MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!" said Sephiroth  
"TEE HEEE HEEE!" said Selphie  
"Duh huh huh huh!" said Cloud.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAKyakhyuckhahahahahaahbeahhhaaaaa!!!!!" said   
Callie, thereby ending it all.  
"Thank you." said Matt.  
"DEAR GOD! IT'S A GIGANTIC SMURF!" cried Laguna in fear.   
Callie screamed, fell off Sephiroth, and started crying.  
"There, there." soothed Sephiroth. "There, there..."  
"WHERE??? WHERE???" asked Cid.  
And the mecha kept coming closer...  



	4. BOOBIES!

"OH MY GOD! IT HAS WEAPONS!" Matt yelled  
"duh huh cloud have weapons!"  
"no you idiot!"  
"what do we do?" Barret asked  
"um, be very still, maybe it can't see us if we stay still."   
Remlap responded  
"YOU IDIOT! THAT'S A T-REX!" Callie pointed out  
"OH MY GOD!!!!!!" Matt yelled. "IT'S MY AC FROM MY LAST ARMORED   
CORE GAME! IF IM CORRECT, ITS NAME SHOULD BE MAGMA AND IT SHOULD HAVE   
A DOUBLE-"  
"ok lets get out of here" Sephiroth interjected.  
everyone walked away, leaving Matt babbling on about some   
important ac that no one cared about.  
"CHHTFFFTPSHCHA! fine then!, I'm not going with you guys!" Matt   
threatened  
everyone kept walking away. "WAIT! I'M COMING WITH YOU GUYS!"  
the ac followed them.  
"I PITY THE AC!" Barret INSISTED.  
"uh, anyone else have a hankering for some chalupas?" Cid asked.  
"yeah, lets go" Tifa said.  
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?! TUNE IN NEXT TIME, ON """Perfectly Loud And   
Yet Still Truthfully Awesome Turning Into an Obsessive Need"""   
(playstation)  
  
  
"DAMMIT! Stop dropping your goddamn Chalupas!" Callie yelled   
at Matt and Cloud.  
"Please?" asked Matt.  
'Duh, but commercial say to drop the Chalupa!" Cloud said.  
"TIMMY!" yelled Sephiroth, who was sitting in a motorized   
wheelchair.  
"AH'M GONNA KICK YOU IN DE NUTSH!" Cartman screamed.  
"I HATE YOU! YOU LOOK AND ACT LIKE MY BROTHER!" Callie yelled,   
and proceeded to destroy Cartman.  
"Oh, my god, you killed Cartman!" said Tifa.  
"About time." replied Laguna.  
"CLOUD STILL NO HAVE BOOBIES!" Cloud screamed. 'CLOUD AM HERO   
OF GAME, CLOUD DESERVE MUCH OF BOOBIES!"  
"Oh, go play Valkyrie Wild and SHUT UP!" Callie retorted.  
"Duh, that game not real."  
"Too bad." said Irvine. "Looks like my kind of game."  
"PERVERT!" all the girls screamed.  
"Oh, I am not." said every male there.  
"Liar."  
"ME JUST WANT BOOBIES! ME NOT BIG FLAMING QUEEN LIKE   
SEPHIROTH!" Cloud cried at the top of his lungs.  
"I'm a WHAT?" Sephiroth asked, putting his hands on his chest   
and batting his eyelids. "That is SOOOOOOOOO not true, you cute little   
thing!"  
Callie started to cry.  
"Ohh, I was just kidding." Sephiroth reassured her.  
Vincent burped.  
  
  
"excuse me" he said.  
"duh heehee cloud want to make a riff"  
"CLOUD! your so dumb, the only riff you'll be making is the one   
going into the toilet after u finish all those chalupas!" Cid insulted  
"EWWWW" everyone said.  
"EWWWW said everyone else.  
"Hey everyone! meet everyone!" Matt said  
"hi, I'm everyone, nice to meet you everyone!"  
"same here. from everyone to everyone it's always fun to meet new   
people"  
"yeah" said everyone. so how's everyone doing?"  
"everyone's fine, how about you everyone?"  
"oh I'm ok."  
"great, well everyone, lets get going."  
"where are we going?  
"not you everyone, just everyone"  
"oh ok."  
"well new subject." Callie said  
"yes? what is it?" new subject answered  
"OI!!!!!!!!!!" Callie yelled.   
"hey WHAT IS THAT??????? AND WHO IS THAT???????? AND   
WHEEEEEEEERE ARE WE???" Matt said secretly trying to set up perfectly   
to Callie's great idea...  
  
  
"That was dumb." said Sephiroth. 'And I would like to point   
out that Cloud is once again not wearing any pants, and that it is   
bothering me."  
"Don't call Matt dumb!" said Callie. "Cloud-chan, put your   
pants on."  
"Duh, Cloud want Gap khakis." said Cloud.  
"BASTARD! The Gap not only sells ugly preppy clothes, but they   
use CHILD LABOR!" Callie said, outraged.  
"HEY! let's kill the Gap!" said Barret excitedly.  
"YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THE GAP!" Selphie screamed,   
jumping up and down.  
"Don't we all hate those tea-less motherfuckers?" Cid asked   
the assembled group.  
"YES!" screamed all the people.  
"They're even worse than Sega!" said Matt.  
"The clothes are ugly and overpriced!" Irvine agreed.  
"All their clothes look the same no matter what they are!" said   
Tifa. 'And their shirts are all too small for me!"  
"I'm not surprised!" said Yuffie.  
"Shut up, Ninja Skank."  
"Make me, Breast Bitch."  
"Enough, you two." said Laguna, stepping between the two   
girls. "Don't get Cloud started on his 'boobies' thing again."  
Everyone looked at Cloud, who was busy trying to make friends   
with a rock he'd found stuck in the bottom of his shoe.  
"Good idea." said Yuffie.  
"ANYWAYS. Shall we go to the Gap?" asked Vincent.   
"YES!" all the people screamed, and headed for the Gap....  
::KILL KILL KILL!!! Uhhhh...next time, on...UGLY WUSSASS   
TUXEDO KAMEN!::  
  
"Here is Gap!" Cloud pointed out.  
"WOOHOO! SMASH TIME" Everyone yelled.  
"Wait people!" Remlap interrupted. "The sign says the store is   
closed!"  
"AND WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN TO US??" Callie yelled.  
"Well I uh, we cant smash the store while they're not open!"  
There was a silence for about 5 seconds, then...  
SMASH SMASH SMASH  
"Ok, our work here is DONE!" Yuffie huffed.  
"What? you don't huff, Yuffie!" Everyone started to beat on Yuffie   
for huffing.  
"Anyways, um, maybe we should tear down the store!"  
"YEAH! It's much funner than SMASHing Remlap!"  
SMASH SMASH SMASH  
"THERE! NO MORE ICKY ICKY GAP!" Callie yelled.  
"Now what?" Barret asked.  
"ONTO KFC!!!" Matt insisted.  
Cloud sighed, then passed out.  
  
"OH, MY GOD! CLOUD'S GOT SHADOW MADNESS!" Callie yelled.  
"That game blows!" said Sephiroth. "I named everyone things   
like Froot Loop and spent an hour and a half killing them all   
constantly."  
"WHAT ABOUT KFC?" Matt asked loudly. "Cuz I don't like it   
there neither."  
"Can I wake Cloud up first?" Tifa asked. Everyone nodded. Tifa   
gathered all the girls around her and whispered to them. The girls   
started smiling as they dragged Cloud off behind a convenient Dumpster.  
There was silence for ten minutes.  
Then, some giggles erupted from behind the Dumpster.  
Five more minutes of silence, then...  
An ecstatic scream of   
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOBIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEESSS!!!" was heard from behind   
the Dumpster.  
"That must be Cloud." Barret observed.  
"Oh, thank you, Captain Obvious." Sephiroth said sarcastically.  
"What happened to the keyboard?" asked someone.  
"I don't know. I think it's fixed now." someone answered back,   
then threw up.  
Cloud was now VERY awake, and was jittering on the ground.   
Tifa, Selphie, Yuffie, and Callie all looked extremely pleased with   
themselves.  
"Okay, who did it?" asked Sephiroth.  
Tifa pointed at Callie who pointed at Yuffie who pointed at   
Selphie who pointed at Tifa. "Group effort." all four girls said at   
once, then giggled.  
Several men averted their eyes politely.  
Cloud was stuck in a Happy Meal box.  
  
"Hey everyone look! Cloud is stuck in a happy meal box!" Cid   
yelled.  
"Quite odd, don't you think?" Matt said.  
"I mean, us being at KFC and all. I didn't know they made happy   
meals here."  
"Oh well!" Callie said  
Suddenly, a tsunami wave of clear liquid was headed toward them.   
"WTF IS THAT?!" Everyone wondered.  
"oh don't worry," Said Cid, "that's just the left over oil from   
KFC. I guess they ordered too much.  
"That CANNOT be good for my hair!" Aeris insisted.  
Everyone started running away, but contact was imminent.  
"HUH HEY EVERYONE! I AM NOT A SURFER!" Said keanu reeves as he   
surfed by them on the giant wave of oil.  
"Uh, did anyone else see that?" Matt asked.  
"See WHAT?" Everyone responded.  
"Uh-oh..." Matt stopped running and said "BYE" to everyone.  
"what is HIS problem?" Barret asked.  
"Who cares...KEEP RUNNING!"  
what will happen to the group?! what will become of tai and matt?! and   
why do their digimon evolve 100 times every episode?!?!?!?! and why   
did matt see a keanu reeves? find out next time on EVIL!!!!!!!!  
  
"MATT! Get back here! Aeris is dead!" Barret yelled.  
"Whoops." said Matt. 'So? So is, like, Sephiroth, and he's here."  
"I have Cool Sexyass Villainous Immunity!" Sephiroth   
announced. "I'm, like, the most popular Square character ever."  
"I...FUCKING...HATE...KEANU...REEVES." Callie said with a look   
of extreme rage and fury in her eyes.  
"Uh-oh, Callie looks enraged and furious." said Laguna.  
"Put on your crash helmets, kiddies!" Irvine gulped.  
Callie had turned bright purple. She started glowing. A   
gigantic spork appeared in her hands.  
Keanu Reeves stood there and picked his nose.  
"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!"  
Callie screamed, and bludgeoned Keanu Reeves to death with the spork.  
"Wow, she's pissed." Cid observed.  
"Yeah, she had to watch 'Little Buddha' in History class."   
Sephiroth told him. "Tragic."  
Cloud removed the Happy Meal box and threw it into the   
oil-covered KFC. The combination of chemicals from his hair gel and   
the chicken's supernasty grease caused the KFC to evaporate into   
nothingness.  
"GOOD BOY, CLOUD!" everyone said at once.  
"Tee hee! When Cloud have boobies, Cloud am thinking good!"   
Cloud said. "Two plus two equals pie!"  
"I take that back." said Selphie.  
  
"Take what back?" Asked Cloud.  
"OI! NEVERMIND!" Callie said frustrated.  
"duh heehee okay!"  
"well anyways!" Matt said "I think we have another mission."  
"I PITY THE MISSION!" Barret yelled.  
"I'm sure you do Barret. Now lets continue with the mission!" Matt   
yelled.  
"CLOUD AM FLYING!" Cloud yelled as he got swept away by a giant   
hurricane.  
"AhEM! As i was saying!...the mission is..........TO THE CD W  
RAPPER FACTORY PLACES!!!" Matt said aggressively.  
"YEAH!" Everyone yelled.  
"WAIT!" said Sephiroth wisely. "That wrapping is there for a   
purpose you morons!"  
"EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"  
"Well DUH...NOT ONLY IS THAT WRAPPER FOR MORE PROTECTION FROM   
SHOP-LIFTERS, BUT THE ENDS GRIND AGAINST EACH OTHER WITHOUT IT IF THE   
CASE OPENS THE LEAST! THAT MEANS IT'LL BE WORN OUT"  
"oh ok anyways lets go eat tofu that Callie made" Cid said.  
"yeah! and don't burn it like matt does!" Vincent added  
  
"You guys! That's not tofu! That's toenail CLIPPINGS!" yelped Irvine.  
Everyone turned lovely shades of green.  
"I have a better mission!" Callie said. 'Eeew, this tofu is burned."  
"Well, I told you!" said Matt.  
"So, what's the mission, oh Sporky One?" asked Selphie.  
"TO FIND ME SOME BLUE LIPSTICK!" Callie said, jumping up and down   
in excitement. 'And here to help is...MANA!"  
Mana walked over and glared at everyone.  
"He's freaky!" Yuffie announced.  
"HE?????" asked everyone else.  
"Dude, look at those tight pants!' said Yuffie. 'Of course it's a 'he',   
unless it's a 'she' who's smuggling ears of corn."  
"That is far too much information for me." announced Laguna. "I would   
rather eat this burned Tofu crap."  
"IT'S NOT CRAP!" yelled Matt.  
Cloud crashed into the side of a nearby building.  
"He's stupid." said Mana.  
"God, I love this guy already." said Sephiroth.  
"I don't! He isn't very manly!' said Tifa. 'I can't sleep with someone   
who isn't 99 percent solid muscle!"  
"Thank god." said Mana.  
"I REALLY like this guy!"  
  
"I um...I like, like...I like cheese?" Matt hoped.  
"MATT! NO ONE CARES ALREADY!" Yuffie yelled.  
"HEY! DON'T TALK TO MATT THAT WAY!" Barret yelled.  
"YEAH!" Said Matt's bouncer bug.  
"ok, another mission?" Squall asked.  
"Not for you FOO!" Barret yelled.  
"Hmmhmmhmm" Sephiroth laughed to himself.  
"OK! WERE GOING TO THE SPIDER FACTORY TO KILL ALL THE SPIDERS!"   
Matt insisted.  
"Uh, Matt, I don't think spiders are created in a factory."   
Callie said  
"Yeah they are! By the government!" Matt protested.  
"ok, LET'S GO!"  
"Woohoo!"  
"uh um uh er huh huh CLOUD HAVE CRAVING FOR CHOCOLATE FILLED   
ASPARAGUS!"  
"wow...a thought...I guess he was right about the boobies." Cid   
said.  
Just then...SLASH, SLASH...2 bright flashes of light and SUPER   
KUSANAGI slid out in front of them, leaving a faint trail of smoke in   
her trail.   
"YES! I KNEW U WOULD BE IN THIS FANFIC!" Matt was happy as a clam   
that wasn't being boiled to a slightly dark shade of brown and eaten   
with ketchup and therefore insulting the cook who spent hours slaving   
over the hot stove making them.  
"Hey kid..." Kusanagi walked straight up close to Matt. He was   
admiring her bright shiny flashy hair and perfectly created cyborg   
enhanced body.  
"Uhh uhhhh umm drool?"  
"This is where you guys stop...I was sent here to guard the spider   
factory...and NOTHING will keep me from that half a mil. bonus...so   
either change your paths, or prepare to be buried!"  
"WHAT WOW CLOUD ME SCARED WHAT'S GOING ON?" Cloud stuck his head   
in the ground, thinking he was safe from all harm.  
"Matt! This is turning into a GITS story!" Callie yelled at Matt.  
"OH! RIGHT!"  
Suddenly, Barret spilled his cheese on the floor and the janitor   
swept it up and beat Barret on the head with a push up bra then   
Sephiroth turned into an egg and ate some peanut butter M&Ms and   
Barret built a Lego cheese block with yellow blocks and Callie and   
matt ate some sugar and squall was in the sugar and he was saying   
don't eat me and matt ate him and Selphie started riding a giant   
cactus riding a train being held by a guy with a lot of arms and then   
Japan was happy and PlayStation2 REIGNED AS THE BEST SYSTEM IN THE   
WORLD and matt assassinated bill gates and ate his donuts  



	5. Mugggmgmgmfmgfmfmgfm

...and then Cloud kicked Matt in the head. 'Duh, stupid Matt! Don't   
have dreams like that!"  
"Yeah!" said Barret, removing a pair of D cups from his skull.   
"I pity da foo' who throw this!"  
"What the hell are you doing with my bra?" Tifa asked  
"YOUR BRA???"  
"Okay, my training bra from when I was twelve and a lot less   
'special', if you get my drift."  
Cloud tied the bra around his head and started making   
'tbbbpthhppth" noises with his tongue.  
"An EGG?" Sephiroth asked. Matt shrugged.  
"This is odd." said Mana.  
"Why am I here? Why are any of us here? What is our purpose?   
Where can we find the Puppet Master? Why am I naked all the time?   
What was Mamoru Oshii smoking when he made this flick? And wasn't I   
cooler in the manga? Or is it just me?" asked Kusanagi while removing   
cybernetic jacks from her neck and altering her physiology to   
counteract the effects of alcohol.  
"You am here because Matt am drooling fanboy, We am here   
because we am in fanfic, nobody knows, at a puppet show, because they   
wanted movie to sell good, I don't know but me wants some, yep, nope."   
Cloud answered, more coherently than he ever had before.  
"Why are you guarding the spiders, topless lady huh huh huh?" S  
elphie asked.  
"Because I'm getting paid enough cash to make Bill Gates   
scream for his mommy, you stupid little bitch!" Kusanagi said, quite   
OOC-ly.  
"I LOVE YOU!" said Matt.  
"O-kayyyy..."  
Callie stood up. "HEY, YOU GUYS! SEPHIROTH AND CLOUD AND   
VINCENT AND MANA AND LAGUNA JUST PROPOSED TO ME AND I ACCEPTED ALL OF   
THEIR PROPOSALS!"  
"What?" asked Sephiroth. "Mommy...where's my mommy..."  
"Me did? Now Cloud have easy access to boobies!"  
"Great, another sin has been heaped upon my soul. I'm not   
picking out flowers."  
"..."  
"But...but, you're not Julia!"  
Callie just laughed insanely.  
  
"HEY!" Matt yelled loudly. He had everyones attention as there was a   
silence. "Well...uh...welll I didn't really expect anyone to actually   
LISTEN to me! Go on eating your pie's and grooming yourselves and   
building legos!"  
Everyone continued eating their pie's and grooming themselves and   
building legos.  
"OH NO! ITS JIN KAZAMA!" Yelled Cid.  
Just then Jin kazama walked by eating chicken and saying "CHICKEN"  
"WHOA! It's that new STORY MODE that everyones been talking about!" Selphie said amazed.  
"You think we should try it out guys?"  
"Hell yeah!" Matt said excitedly.  
Just then, Rufus stumbled by, cursing and carrying a bottle in his   
left hand.  
"What Rufus doing?" Cloud asked.  
"Waell, rufuis ais drunked as haell!"  
"hERE Vincent, HAVE SOME!" Rufus shook the bottle of whiskey at   
Vincent, and a single drop came out and landed in his mouth.  
"WHOA HO HO HOOO This es good stufffs!" Suddenly Vincent started   
juggling materia and shotguns.  
"WOW!" Said Callie amazed.  
1 minute after that, Vincent was already having a hang over.  
"WHOA OW head hurt!"  
"so what about the story mode?" Asked Matt  
"Screw the story mode, lets all go get drunk!" Squall ordered.  
"woohoo" said the gumbo.  
"yes!" said everyone else.  
  
"WAIT!" Sephiroth screamed. "YOU'RE GOING TO LET CALLIE AND CLOUD   
DRINK?"  
"Heh heh ." said Callie.  
"Drink what?" asked Cloud.  
"Good point! They can have Dr. Pepper." said Matt. Callie and   
Cloud chugged 655658 bottles of Dr. Pepper.  
Everyone else had a sip of beer and tried to pretend that they l  
iked it.   
They failed.   
"GROOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSS!!!!" Selphie screamed, spitting it out. 'Callie,   
give me some Dr. Pepper!" Callie and Selphie happily drank their sodas.  
"Uh...ick." said Sephiroth. "I prefer a nice Bordeaux, slightly   
chilled, a 1978 vintage, preferably with red grapes."  
Everyone stared at him.  
"You have no idea what you are talking about." said Callie.  
"I know." said Sephiroth, taking a Dr. Pepper.  
  
"Well THAT'S the end of THAT chapter!" Said Homer.  
"What are chapter?" Cloud asksed.  
"Hey lets go to the Dairy Queen!" Vincent yelled.  
"Sounds like fun!" Selphie added.  
They arrived at the Dairy Queen 15 minutes before they started   
traveling.  
"Hey uh, how many people will we have if we keep adding fanfic   
people, but not disposing of them?"  
"dunno, lets get rid of some, huh?"  
  
  
"Okay!! Kusanagi, Squall, Remlap, the Turks, Mana, and Sam should all   
leave." Callie said.  
"Fine with me. I've got to have the 'children' of the Puppet Master   
anyways." said Kusanagi, hopping into a convenient fuchikoma and   
driving off.  
"Bye, Motoko-sama!" Matt said.  
"Fine. I hate you all anyways." said Squall. He walked away.  
"Awww! That's not fair! *sniffle*!" cried Remlap. Selphie kicked   
him down a hill and he rolled away.  
"TEAM ROCKET BLASTING OFF AGAIN!' the Turks all yelled in unison, and   
then mysteriously did in fact grow little rocket launchers on the bottoms of   
their feet and literally blast off.  
"...." said Mana. Kozi flew down from the sky, picked him up, and carried   
him off.  
"HEY WAIT A MINUTE!" yelled Matt. 'I didn't want Kusanagi and Remlap to   
leave!"  
"Shut up, biatch, befores I knocks you down!" Barret said.  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" yelled Matt.  
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY   
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRSSSS!!!!" Yuffie screamed.  
"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSEEBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUD!!!!" Callie   
said, appropriately.  
Then Cloud found a hooker.  
  
"So uh, who does that leave us with anyways?" Matt asked.  
"Well let's see..." Callie started thinking. "Um...Cid, Selphie,   
Cloud, Yuffie, Tifa, Sephy, MEEEEE of course, you, and Barret's ugly   
ass."  
"Oh yeah."  
"HEY FOOS! I VOTE TO GETS RID OF SOME OTHER PEEPS TOO!" Barret   
yelled.  
"Ok, you're gone Barret." Matt said.  
"HEY WAIT IM NOT-"  
Barret disappearred in a puff of smoke and gold jewelry.  
"Duh, Cloud know nots lots people left."  
"What?" Everyone asked.   
"Think before u talk Cloudy." Callie suggested.  
"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh, Cloud...Know...Nots...Lots...People-"  
"THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH!" Matt yelled.  
"IT AM MATT FAULT CLOUD IS STUPTID!" Cloud yelled angrily.  
"Oh yeah...Sorry."  
"It ok...Do Matt want make-up sex?"  
"AHHHHHUHHHHH ITS OK." Matt said, backing away from Cloud slowly.   
"Just uh, go have fun with your hooker."   
"OK!" Cloud ran off with his 'hooker' to the nearest Best Buy   
store and came back with a baby and a couple cds.  
"WHAT THE DREAMCAST?! WHOS KID IS THAT?!" Callie asked, demanding   
an answer.  
"Duh huh, Dunno. Just took baby from box with wheels.  
"YOU MEAN A STROLLER?!" Matt asked.  
"Yah that box!"  
"Jeesus, Cloud." Matt sighed. "I feel REALLY bad about the stupid   
thing now...AND WHHHYYY THE HELL DID YOU GET SO MANY GEORGE STRAIGHT   
CDS?!?!  
"Ouch...My head! Stop pleaaase!"  
"Ok ok...But we ARE going to return those cds for something better!"  
"LETS GET SOUNDS FROM AIRPLANES VOLUME 4!!!" Cid insisted.  
"NO WAY! WERE GETTING TRAINS, TRAINS, AND AUTOMOTRAINS! THE   
DERAILMENT SPECIAL!" Selphie argued.  
"Ok, you are ALL wrong once again!" Callie said. "We're getting   
the new single from Foo AND THAT'S FINAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
Everyone huddled up into a tiny ball except Cloud who was busy   
eating everyone's easter candy.  
"ONWARD TO THE SUPERSTORE!" Matt chanted. "MY SECRET PLAN THAT NO   
ONE MUST KNOW ABOUT IS IN PHASE 1! BWAHAHAH!"  
No one cared.  
"Come on guys! its a SECRET PLAN! AWW COME ON!"  
  
'What's the secret plan?" asked Callie, who was busy spanking Cloud for   
not picking out any Nine Inch Nails.  
"Uhhh...I'll tell you later."  
"When?"  
"Sooooooon!"  
"Well, how sooooooon???"  
"Probably too soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon for my taste." said   
Sephiroth disgustedly. "Matt, you putz!"  
"Hhuh? I don't play golf." Matt replied, confused.  
"Ohh, nevermind."  
Suddenly, hide walked in. Everyone said hello to hide. hide said hello   
back. Then hide left.  
"Cloud's butt hurts."  
"SHut up, Cloud." said Cid.  
"hey, we're still here!" Laguna yelled, pointing to Irvine.  
((sorry this sucked so much, but I didn't know what your big funky plan was.))  
  



	6. Hee hee hee durrrrr huh huh

"Uh Matt? I don't think that's supposed to be there." Sephiroth   
told Matt.  
"I don't think so either." Matt said. "Poor Callie, little does   
she know it kicked ass."  
"So..." Cid started, "It seems you have a big plan, huh??"  
"That's right! a BIG, SECRET ONE!"  
"Oh, its a secret plan? Nevermind we don't want to hear it then."  
"NOO WAIT YOU GUYS! COME ON! IM SO CLOSE TO REVEALING MY SECRET   
PLAN!"  
"Ok OK! Tell us your secret plan!" Callie yelled.  
"WOOHOO! Okay...LET'S RAID FUNCO LAND!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
"Uh, Matt I think you mis-"  
"GOOD IDEA!" Callie yelled.  
"ONTO FUNCO LAND!!" Matt yelled again.  
  
"That's not a secret!" said Yuffie. "You wrote that on your   
arm in red permanent marker!" Yuffie pointed to Matt's arm.   
Sure enough, 'raid Funco Land" was there, right next to "change   
underwear".  
"Oh, yeah." said Matt. "I...uhhh...was afraid I'd forget, so..."  
"Dammit!" said Callie. "Now we can't!"  
"Why?"  
"Because honestly, I don't know what Funco Land is." Callie   
shrugged. Everyone teardropped and facefaulted and bluenosed and   
chibified themselves.  
"Jesus Christ, it's like an episode of Ranma in here!" Cid   
complained.  
"CID NO BAKA!" screamed Akane from somewhere within the   
dimensions of innerspacial stupidity.  
"I'm lost!" Ryouga was heard to complain.  
"Ranma-husband no want violent girl..." Sephiroth mused.  
"Ah, the philosophy of Rumiko Takehashi." Said irvine.  
"MS Word blows hard." Selphie muttered.  
Cloud had a stomachache, and ate some unpopped popcorn.   
"Mmmm mmm! Yummers!"  
"CLOUD!" Tifa screamed. "THAT'S NOT POPCORN, IT'S..."  
  
"FISH GILLS!!!!!" Matt yelled. Cloud spit the fish gills all over the   
place.  
"Ah, ya got em o me, you idiot!"  
"SHUT UP YOU!" Matt said as he ordered Barret to his room.  
Everyone ate some cheddar and sour cream chips.   
"Hey Matt..." Callie started, "Did you tell Barret to eat your   
cheese?"  
"NO I CERTAINLY DID NOT! HOLY CRAP!" Matt turned around in horror   
to see Barret chomping down on the delicasy that is, MATT'S CHEESE.  
"Uh oh, explosions and body counts are imminent." Cid worried.  
Meanwhile, back at the fruit-rollups factory, there was a new   
fruit-rollup design underway. ONE THAT EVERYONE WOULD BE HAPPY TO   
HAVE, ONE THAT WOULD REVOLUTIONIZE THE FRUIT-ROLLUP INDUSTRY FOREVER!   
PLAIN FRUIT-ROLLUPS!!!!!!!!!!!   
"Wow," Said one executive of   
FAGCORPINDUSTRIESINCORPORATED corp.ind.inc. AMERICA, "This sure beats   
our root-rollups, boot-rollups, suit-rollups, fruit-bowlups,   
rootsutlootnplundering-rollabowlaweedups ideas."  
"STOP EATING MY CHEESE, BARRET!" Matt yelled, but was powerless   
to do anything as he realized he was ankle-deep in flaming hot cheetos.   
"ZELL...I KNOW THIS IS YOUR DOING! ONCE I DIG MY WAY OUT,   
IM COMING FOR YOU!"  
Matt watched Barret.  
First he started eating his cheese,  
then he was almost started starting eating matt's cheese,  
then he was in the middle of starting to start to eat matt's cheese,  
then he was almost done starting to start eating matt's cheese,  
then he finished starting to start eating matts cheese,  
so he began being in the process of starting to eat matts cheese,  
then he was in the process of being in the process of starting to   
eat matts cheese,  
then he finished being in the process and ended finalizing of   
starting to eat matts cheese,  
then he was ending starting eating matts cheese  
then he was in the middle of starting to eat matts cheese  
then he was ending the process of beginning to eat matts   
delectable cheese  
then he was in the middle of eating matts cheese  
then he finished eating matts wonderful spiffy glowing yellow   
sun-rise sun-set southern vegas wisconsinized pasturized homonizied   
batterized preservativized entertained and delivered swiss ronald   
mcdonald premier super duper creamy milky gooey sharp-medium-mild   
mild-sharp medium- extra double tasty cheese.  
Everyone was asleep by now except for Matt, who finaly struggled   
free from the mass of flaming hot-cheetos surrounding his ankles and   
ran in Barret's direction.   
"Duh, Barret have correction? Cloud want inspection!"  
"Not inspection you moron, he said erection."  
"No way he said posession re-construction!"  
"Like Tifa's chest?" Cloud asked.  
"yeah!" Everyone agreed...even Tifa.  
"BARRET! YOU SHALL BE BANISHED TO THE LAND OF THE CHIBIFIED   
GNOMES!"  
Barret was then banished to the land of No Land. Barret floated   
around in space for a few forevers.  
"OOPS! Well my um...uh banishing could use a little touching up."   
Matt explained.  
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? WILL CLOUD REALIZE HE HAS A COW IN HIS   
PANTS? WILL THE DIGIDESTINED BE DESTINED TO WATCH ANOTHER BORING   
REPEAT OF THEIR SUMMER VACATION TRIP TO THE DIGIWORLD THAT WEVE ALL   
SEEN A MILLION FUCKING TIMES!!!! GODAMIT!!! THIS PISSES ME OFF!!!!! oh   
uh, ON NEXT WEEKS SHOW! BE SURE TO TUNE IN. DON'T MISS IT. ITS REALLY   
GONNA BE KILLER. AND UH, YEAH. DUN NUUUUUN!   
  
"Eeeeeew!" Yuffie screamed. 'CLOUD'S FUCKING A HORSE!"  
"That's a cow, you total idiot." Irvine corrected her.  
"Oh, okay, then! That makes all the difference!"  
Matt was lying on the floor, hugging the remains of his cheese   
collection. Callie was patting his head comfortingly, and patting   
Sephiroth in another area that may not have been comfortable, but was   
certainly interesting.  
"Ecchi!" said the readers.  
Okay, fine, she patting Sephiroth on the head.  
"That can still be taken two ways!"  
How 'bout the upper inner thigh?  
"I'm going off somewhere else. You're disgusting."  
ALRIGHT, FINE! Callie was not patting Sephiroth in any way   
that could be considered sexual. She was sticking sticky stickers on   
his nose. Okay? Are you happy?  
"A little..."  
Fuck you.  
"Wow, that was a really abusive inner monologue." Laguna   
observed. "It made my legs hurt."  
Suddenly, that stupid little bitch with the dumb pink hat who   
looks like Aeris only even UGLIER ran in, screamed something about   
reruns, and got flattened by Pokemon and the guys from Monster Rancher.  
"My boobs ARE real!" Tifa insisted. "I'll prove it!" Tifa   
grabbed Cid and pushed him into a closet.  
"Okay, has anyone noticed that there are a LOT of breasts in   
this fanfic?" asked Sailor Uranus.  
Everyone stared.  
"Wait, why am I here? SPACE SWORD BLASTER!" she screamed,   
banging Cloud a good hard one on the head.  
"That sounded obscene!"  
Blow me!  
"Uhh, why is the author screaming at nothing?" asked Matt.   
Callie blushed.  
Haruka left.  
"Dammit, he was hot!" said Selphie, causing Sailor Moon fans   
to smirk knowingly at each other.  
Suddenly, the closet lit on fire. Tifa ran out, hastily   
covering her naked chest with a convenient raincoat. She immediately   
charged into Frederick's of Hollywood in search of a new top. Cid   
followed not long after, looking dazed and shaking his head.  
"Well?" asked Irvine.  
"Whoa."  
"Are they...?" asked Sephiroth impatiently.  
"Whoa."  
"Well, tell us already!" ordered Callie.  
Cid just shook his head. "You won't believe it, but..." He   
paused for dramatic pause.  
"No! Cid being mean! Cloud want know about Tifa's boobies!"   
Cloud screamed, turning purple with rage. "Cloud have right to know!   
Cloud have stock in silicon!"  
"She wears a minimizer." Cid said, almost choking on the words.  
There was dead silence.  
"You filthy rotten lousy little liar!" Yuffie gasped. "That   
can't possibly be true!"  
Cid turned to Yuffie with torture in his bloodshot eyes.   
Slowly, he said, "It's like looking at two pink watermelons, only   
saggier."  
Sephiroth puked.  
Callie shuddered.  
Cloud was, for the first time, not interested in seeing   
Tifa's "boobies".  
Irvine really wanted some chicken soup.  
  
Irvine didn't get his chicken soup because he was shackled in   
a torture chamber deep underground the streets of Las Vegas.  
"Well that has to suck." Matt commented.  
"Yeah, pretty much."  
"Cloud need find new booby source!" He looked around. His eyes   
rested on Yuffie for about a quarter of a second then moved on.  
"HEY! I HAVE BOOBIES!" Yuffie screamed.  
"I'm SURE you do....in there....somewhere." Sephiroth said   
incredulously.  
"HMF! I'M LEAVING!" Yuffie stormed out of the non-existant room.  
"HEY! THAT LOOK LIKE FUN!" Cloud ran and jumped from nowhere into   
nowhere and went nowhere.  
"OWW!"  
"OW!" Matt yelped in pain.  
"What's going on?" Everyone asked.  
"Uh...OWW...nothing...OWW!" Matt said as Callie kept jabbing him   
with a gun.  
"Uh..OWW...Let''s talk about Gackt and ice cream OWW!" Matt said...  
fearing for his life.  
"Ok!" Selphie thought it was a good idea.  
"So uh...Gackt and ice cream kick ass..." Matt said.  
"No way! I hate gackt...it like, gets all messy and makes scary   
noises and it comes in those weird packages!  
"DUUH! NOT THAAAT GACKT!" Matt yelled.  
"Anyways, veggie dip is under Callie's bed." Matt said  
"Uhh...How would YOU know?" Vincent asked.  
"Like...Theres a gun to my- OWW!" "Shut up! shut UP!" Callie   
jabbed the gun into Matt's back again.  
"Everyone disappeared except for the gelatenous space bunny in the   
middle of the non-existant room."  
...said the narattor. as you can tell....this fanfic is WELL OVER   
WITH...as the writer cannot think of anything else to put. so JOIN US   
NEXT TIME...ON......NUCLEAR GELATENOUS GOOIFIED ELECTRIFIED FISHY   
BUNNY NOISES!!!!  
  
"This sucks!" yelled the bunny, and used the Power of Plot   
Contrievance to transport everyone to a big dark room.  
"What the hell?"  
"Who said that?"  
"Me."  
"Me who?"  
"Me, Callie! Who am I talking to?"  
"Sephiroth."  
"Duhh...Cloud feel squishy boobies..."  
"PERVERT!"  
**slap**  
"OWWWW! Cloud no like when Selphie slap Cloud!"  
"&^&^&^^**&)(&**(!!!!"  
"Cid! It's me, Vincent! TURN ON A LIGHT!"  
And then there was light.  
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, until...  
Matt suddenly screamed and ran behind Callie who ran behind Sephiroth,   
who ran behind Matt, forcing the process to repeat.  
"Oh, what the hell is the PROBLEM???" Seph finally asked in   
exasperation.  
"I can't eat the goldfish crackers!" cried Matt. 'I mean, like, they   
gotta have crack in 'em- crack-ers, see? THEY'RE SOOOOO ADDICTIVE!" He   
clutched the bag tightly and sobbed. 'But I CAN'T!"  
Callie looked at the "gun", saw it was a banana, and shrugged. Then   
she put chocolate on it and stuffed it into Cloud'' mouth. Cloud   
looked peaceful and happy, chewing on his fruit like that.   
Sephiroth got some Kool-Aid and vodka, and he and Callie toasted   
several things. Like oxygen.   
"We should drink a glass for every oxygen molecule we've ever   
breathed!" Seph announced.  
"Twice." Callie agreed.  
Matt whimpered and hugged his goldfish.  
  
"Get away from those!" Anna yelled.  
*SMACK!* As she hit Matt in the back of the head, making him drop his  
goldfish box.  
"NOOOOOO!"  
"YESSS!!!!!" Everyone else yelled.  
"Duh...when do Cloud can touch boobies?"  
"When your 8, dearie" Said the random old lady.  
"But Cloud want boobies now!" Cloud demanded.  
"You can touch mine!" Said Crash Bandicoot.  
"OH NO!! ITS CRASH BANDICOOT!" Everyone yelled.  
Everyone threw their scolding hot tea at Crash. It horribly   
disfigured him.  
"Whoa! He looks normal now!" Cid said.  
"Uh...what does a 'normal' bandicoot look like anyways?" Asked Anna.  
"A MIX BETWEEN A BADGER AND A KANGAROO!!" Matt said proudly.  
"Oh...uh..." Anna thought for a second.  
"Enough of this nonsense!" Sephirotoh proposed a vote on who got the   
last spork to eat their enchuritos with.  
"I vote on Mario!" Said Nintendo Entertainments America President   
Hiroshi Yamauchi.  
"MARIO???" Matt said angrily. "WHO LET HIROSHI YAMAUCHI THE PRESIDENT OF  
NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT AMERICAN IN HERE??????"  
"I did." Said the shrunked elvin chibified troll gnome named Geebus.  
"Oh, ok.....Does everyone see him?" Asked Motoko.  
"See who?" Matt said, trying to fool Motoko.  
"Uh oh!!!!!!!" Motoko slowly began to back away, making sure everyone   
in the  
group could be seen by him.  
"What's HIS problem??" Asked the breakdancing multi-colored banana wearing  
bondage named cletus.  
"I dunno" Said the flaming gibberishing gun weilding spider monkey named  
apple jax.  
"HEY! IM BACK!" Yelled Barret...   
  
"Who cares?" asked Sephiroth.  
"I do!" Matt cried, glomping Barret. Barret looked scared.  
Kyuke pranced through. Motoko screamed and ran away.  
Anna and Selphie started making out like rabid weasels. Kyuke and   
Motoko stopped prancing and running to take out cameras and start   
videotaping.  
Then a horrible thing happened.  
Cloud remembered he was 21.  
"ME CAN TOUCH BOOBIES NOW!!!!!!!!" he screamed at the top of his blond   
little lungs (not that he had blond lungs, or anything), rushing   
towards the kissing chicks. If it hadn't been for Vincent carefully   
placing Squall in Cloud's way for him to trip over, Cloud would have   
interrupted Anna and Selphie. That would have been bad.  
"..."  
"SHUT UP, SQUALL!" everyone yelled at him.  
Gackt came in wearing nothing but leather dominatrix gear. Everyone's   
eyes fell out of their heads and they started drooling like waterfalls   
and going 'duhh duhh huh huh purty   
fuuuuhdhdhdhdhdhdhdsadsgadggdgyudgsatd76@@@!!!!!!" and spasming   
involuntarily with lust.  
Except not for the guys.  
Except for Matt and Sephiroth. Well, okay, Cloud too, but Cloud did   
that sort of thing anyways.  
Then Gackt turned to everyone and said...  



End file.
